I've Come to Impregnate You
by Roxius
Summary: Small possible spoilers for volume 5. Alucard arrives to confront Rip van Winkle, but is he really there to kill her? CRACK FIC, I GUESS. No pairings, either. Please R & R!


'Oh god! He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here! He's here!'

Rip's entire body shook violently as the large ghostly jet descended from the skies. She had hoped this day would never come, no matter how much that little voice in the back of her head spoke of it. It was something she couldn't comprehend, something she couldn't believe.

The almighty demonic hunter...the great and fearsome Samiel...Dracula. He was here, and he was coming for her blood. 'Crap!' thought the nerve-shaken sniper woman, 'I can't let this bastard get to me!' Filling her gun with a new set of bullets, she fired away, hoping to destroy both the oncoming jet and the beast held within.

Unfortunately, it did no good. In only a few minutes, the jet had crashed down into the ship, sending everything up in flames. Screams of pain and anguish erupted through the darkened skies as the fire spread. Slowly, Rip could make out a dark, vivid figure crawling out of the remains. It was Alucard, the man known as Dracula.

As this horrid creature drew even closer, the air began to fill with a strange, yet familiar song. Blinking a few times, Rip recognized the song as 'White and Nerdy' by Weird Al Yankovic. Smirking to himself, Alucard exclaimed, "Hey, ugly ho...HOW DO YOU LIKE MY CHOICE IN BACKGROUND MUSIC? YOU FIT IN PERFECTLY WITH THIS SONG!"

Rip gritted her teeth and, her eyes becoming a dark yellow hue, fired several shots directly at Alucard's head, blasting his head into millions of bloody pieces.

"HA HA-"

Just as Rip let out a victorious laugh, she felt two gloved hands grasp tightly onto her gun arm. "It's not nice to shoot people without answering their questions, my dear..." A voice hissed into her ear. Slowly, Rip could feel the darkness begin to envelop her.

She tried to get free, but Rip's struggles proved useless. In fact, ALucard broke into maniacal laughter just from watching her futual efforts. "No..." Rip cried, tears streaming down the sides of her face, "I...I don't want to die here...please...stop..."

Then...she felt a sharp, burning pain in her chest...and it was all over...

"WILL YOU STAY AWAKE FOR A FEW MINUTES, DAMMIT?" Alucard screamed, slamming his fist against Rip's face to snap her awake. The nazi girl was sent spiraling halfway across the ship before she regained consciousness.

Rubbing her wounded forehead, Rip shrieked, "WTF? ARE YOU ON CRACK OR SOMETHIN'? FIRST, YOU COME HERE, READY TO KILL ME AND SHIT! NOW, YOU WANNA TALK? WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Alucard grabbed Rip by the collar and hissed, "You really should learn to be quiet, especially when your stronger (and much sexier) opponent decides to spare you..." Letting out a small whimper, Rip closed her mouth immediately. Alucard just rolled his eyes and dropped her back onto the floor.

"Listen," he snapped, "I'm here...because I love you..." For the first time in his (undead) life as a vampire, Alucard had an uncomfortable, almost embarrassed, look on his face. "Y-You...you love me?!" Rip cried in confusion.

Blushing (!), Alucard quickly replied, "Okay, I lied. I really only came here so we can mate...to create Werewolf/Vampire hybrid babies...you know what I mean..." Instead of speaking back, Rip just sat there with a shocked look on her face. Her mouth was even hanging wide open in horror.

"B-B-BUT...I'M NOT A REAL WEREWOLF! I CAN'T EVEN TURN INTO ONE! ONLY THE CAPTAIN CAN DO THAT! BESIDES, OUR GROUP'S CALLED 'WERWOLF' WITH ONE 'E'! THERE ARE NO WEREWOLVES HERE!" Rip cried once she snapped out of her shock.

Alucard stood there for a few seconds as all this information slowly sunk in. When it finally did, all hell broke loose. At least, it felt that way to Rip, anyway.

"ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?!"

"YES! I'M SERIOUS!"

"HOLY CRAP! I CAME HERE ALL THE WAY FOR NOTHING?"

"I GUESS SO!"

"...Wait. You said your Captain is a Werewolf, right? A real one?"

"Yes..."

Alucard had a thoughtful look on his face for about three minutes after that. Eventually, he patted Rip on the shoulder and happily exclaimed, "Okay, then! Thanks for all the help!" And with that, he spun around and flew off into the sky.

Once Alucard was out of sight, Rip blinked a few times and rubbed her forehead, hoping this was all just a crazy alcoholic dream she was having. 'I wonder what'll happen when he finds out he can't impregnate other men...' Rip thought as she sat down and took a nap.

...And that was when the ship finally blew up.


End file.
